Kevin's Immune System Surrenders!!!
"Nous nous rendons!" says General Phage
JYVÄSKYLÄ, Finland, Jan. 16th - Kevin Wildrick's Immune system surrendered today at 8am in the face of an over-whelming Finnish-led germ force. Overall productivity has dropped to near zero, and energy levels are low. Several major body systems are now in germ control, and the carnage is devestating. One particularly hard hit area is the nose, though reports are scarce since the germs have instituted a policy of high-speed ejection of the press in what they call "sneezing."
In what can only be described as one of the stupidest military blunders of all time, four days ago Kevin's executive branch engaged in a spree of partying entailing consecutive rock concerts and repeated delay of sleep until 4am. This only compounded recent immune system funding cutbacks including a trans-atlantic flight at and a so called "austerity pillow". A source close to the brain said, "The Brain was trying to make good on campaign promises to 'Have a good time in Finland'. Stupid, in retrospect, but hey, at least we didn't elect Bush."
These latest developments came after yesterday's belated policy of appeasement. One immune system general said, "As zee gift to our new Finn-eesh germ friends, we pree-zent zem with zee Tonsils." Such gestures were clearly too little and too late, as 12 hours of rest and 3 liters of water consumption failed to prevent the germs from turning the tonsils in to a swollen, reddish wasteland.
Some sources are already mentioning possible immune-rights violations. One group went so far as to use the phrase "T-cell Genocide", siting photographs showing what appear to be mass graves near the lymph glands. Aid in the form of sudafed and asprin has been plentiful, though it has failed to turn the tide of the attack.
For some, not all hope is lost. There are scattered rumors of a resistance movement based in the stomach. Drawing strength from oranges, gouda, and chocolate consumed in the last 48 hours, several immune weapons labratories are said to be hard a work developing powerful anti-germ cells. However, germ forces have recently attacked the digestive system, and are hoping for repeated food-explusions. Only time will tell if, and when, these germs can be defeated.
JYVÄSKYLÄ, Finland, Jan. 16th - Kevin Wildrick's Immune system surrendered today at 8am in the face of an over-whelming Finnish-led germ force. Overall productivity has dropped to near zero, and energy levels are low. Several major body systems are now in germ control, and the carnage is devestating. One particularly hard hit area is the nose, though reports are scarce since the germs have instituted a policy of high-speed ejection of the press in what they call "sneezing."
In what can only be described as one of the stupidest military blunders of all time, four days ago Kevin's executive branch engaged in a spree of partying entailing consecutive rock concerts and repeated delay of sleep until 4am. This only compounded recent immune system funding cutbacks including a trans-atlantic flight at and a so called "austerity pillow". A source close to the brain said, "The Brain was trying to make good on campaign promises to 'Have a good time in Finland'. Stupid, in retrospect, but hey, at least we didn't elect Bush."
These latest developments came after yesterday's belated policy of appeasement. One immune system general said, "As zee gift to our new Finn-eesh germ friends, we pree-zent zem with zee Tonsils." Such gestures were clearly too little and too late, as 12 hours of rest and 3 liters of water consumption failed to prevent the germs from turning the tonsils in to a swollen, reddish wasteland.
Some sources are already mentioning possible immune-rights violations. One group went so far as to use the phrase "T-cell Genocide", siting photographs showing what appear to be mass graves near the lymph glands. Aid in the form of sudafed and asprin has been plentiful, though it has failed to turn the tide of the attack.
For some, not all hope is lost. There are scattered rumors of a resistance movement based in the stomach. Drawing strength from oranges, gouda, and chocolate consumed in the last 48 hours, several immune weapons labratories are said to be hard a work developing powerful anti-germ cells. However, germ forces have recently attacked the digestive system, and are hoping for repeated food-explusions. Only time will tell if, and when, these germs can be defeated.
posted by Kevin at 10:42 AM
2 Comments:
Don't lose hope, that's what the insurgency wants you to do. We can't let them win. The people need you, even if the election was a sham.
Dear God, Kevin, your blog is some seriously funny shit!
And I'm so grateful I don't have to know a damn thing about stochastic calculus in order to read it.
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